It’s been a while since I was in a romantic relationship - the last one left me raw and hurting pretty badly and emotionally. I came out of that one deciding consciously that I needed to take time out to heal and regroup mentally and emotionally. I got quite sick not too long after that, and it was during that illness that I felt I would never find love again because who would want someone who was that sick?
It’s not that I haven’t had the opportunity since to start something new since, it’s just that when the opportunities were there I rejected them. I feel bad for the lovely men who tried but I just wasn’t ready to accept that they wanted me, and I was scared I would end up in a similar situation I did in my last relationship again because I didn’t trust my own judgement any longer.
I was afraid of having my heart broken and I still am.
I think in a way heartbreak hits harder later in life because our worldview is more fully formed than when we’re in our teens, for example. Later on It includes previous heartaches and disappointments, and a fuller knowing of how hard it can be to recover from it. We seem to be less likely to recognise the sweet gestures that people do for us when they are trying to show us that they like us, want to make us happy or impress us, and when they are seriously interested in us. Taking the risks that come with putting yourself out there in love carries a heftier price tag and we’re less likely to pay it.
As much as I really want to fall in love again and let myself be loved, I’m scared that the pleasure it will bring isn’t going to be worth the pain, and it’s that thinking and the knowing that that’s where I’m at that’s making me a little sad.
But life seldom lets you sit one out for too long; eventually you have to deal with stuff. Eventually something comes around and pokes hard enough so you have to pay attention. Eventually something in the situation changes and it usually happens when you’ve stopped thinking about it and you least expect it, and in a way you didn’t expect. If there’s something that you want that you’ve been struggling with the trick seems to be to let go it wanting it without giving up.
I don’t know if things will start looking up for me anytime soon in this area but it seems there’s at least a flickering light at the end of the tunnel. It’s crept up on me a bit and I’ve tried to fight it but it’s been persistent. As much as I know that a situation will change which will keep the momentum of it all harder to sustain I’m so incredibly grateful for what’s been happening for the past few months. Life has served me up with an opportunity to see myself through another’s eyes in a way I never had before. It’s been challenging but it has done me the world of good.